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The Alyssa DiariesSuggested Reading
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
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I used to say this all the time to the kids I tutored. They would look at me as if I was some crazy old person spouting random nonsense. It made me want to shout “What did you do with your childhood?!” but instead I usually just went on to explain what “allegory” meant. *SIGH*
Granted, this has been a long time coming. And I know most people are like “duh, homeboy pees on underage girls”, which is a valid point. But really I think it started before we all got a look at his wet-n-wild personal life. So much so, that I think it’s safe to say you can chart his decent into madness through song:
1. Feelin’ On Yo Booty (TP-2.com, 2000): Taken alone, this song seems innocent enough. It’s about some dude finding a down-ass chick on the dance floor and feelin’ on her booty. Simple, right? Really this was the first warning sign. I mean the fervent repetition of the word “booty” at the end is surely assign of dementia, possibly schizophrenia. I don’t care if he is harmonizing.
2. Thoia Thoing (The R in R&B Collection, Vol. 1, 2003): Once again, this song seems banal on the surface about getting some sexin’ but in reality homeboy is just singing a made up onomatopoeia over and over again. Clearly his conditioning is worsening.
3. Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-22, 2005-2007): This is where his symptoms really start to intensify. Playing several different (and volatile) characters through out the entirety of this hip hopera, he finally gives into his delusions of grandeur over the course of the 22 episodes. Possibly suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder.
4. Pregnant (Untitled, 2009): His newest break with reality shows a reemergence of his desire to mate with the female population. However his plan of attack is simply to state that he would like to “lay your body down and get you pregnant”. Straight forward? Yes. Creepy? As all hell. And to top it all off, this jam also features Tyrese. Yeah, you read that right. Though I haven’t heard anything from that dude in so long, it’s possible he could be imaginary.
So there you have it, folks. R. Kelly’s slippery slope from R&B bad boy to full on hobo crazy. I think we can all agree that it’s been one awesome ride.
Florence + The Machine - Girl With One Eye
Currently the featured single in the Alyssa hit parade.
I said, hey, girl with one eye
Get your filthy fingers out of my pie
I said, hey, girl with one eye
I’ll cut your little heart out cause you made me cry
Yup…this is an inside to joke. But to those reading who get it, it’s really funny.
The Flat Iron.
I know some of you guys are like what about the computer? or the cell phone? light bulbs?
And yes, those are all fine and dandy but they can’t turn my poufy frizzy hot mess hair into silky smooth glory. They just can’t.
And that’s why the flat iron will always win. ALWAYS.
So…Jason Schwartzman was on the morning radio show that I listen to yesterday, and once again it reminded me of how badly I want to be his friend. Like I could go over to his house and we could have a BBQ and then all of a sudden we’d break into this impromptu jam session. I’d be on the guitar and he’d be on keyboards and vocals while his wife shook the tambourine. And then Wes Anderson would show up and be like “hey, I think this song needs some xylophone” and then he’d bust out his xylophone and start jamming too. And then rest of the party guests would dance and some dude who’s had one too many (most likely one of my friends) would be rocking out too close to the pool and fall in. And the Jason would shout “Pool Party!” and I’d be like “Oh Jason, you’re such a card!” And then we’d share a laugh and all of us would jump in. And then we’d make smores BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH JASON SCHWARTZMAN…or at least, that’s how I imagine it to be, in my head.
-Jenni (JWOW), Jersey Shore
Possibly my favorite quote out of the entire TWO HOUR premiere. I mean, it really is hard to pinpoint since there were so many great, GREAT lines but I feel like this one has the best chance of integration into my everyday vocabulary. And yes, I did watch the show in it’s in entirety from beginning to end (the first hour by myself, the second with my brother). And YES, I was both horrified and intrigued by these overly tanned hair gel loving specimens. But afterwards, you guys? Afterwards, I fist pumped LIKE A CHAMPION.
Kidding, I shut my TV off and went to sleep feeling sullied and ashamed, like any right thinking citizen.
But seriously, did you guys see the preview where Snooki GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE?!?!?!?! There’s no way I can stop watching now, not when I know so much is in store.
